It’s dangerous to think about what could have been, but I do believe it is natural. Today is February 21, 2019 and it is the due date for our first little angel baby. It is a rainy day, it is before noon and I have already finished a 1/2 pint of ice cream and watched too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy to count. Aaron is out of town, so the house feels a lot bigger than usual. Miscarriage is a lonely experience. Yes, you have your spouse, but grief is lonely. As I sit on our navy blue couch, I can’t help but think what today could have been like. I could have been holding my baby boy or girl for the first time. It would have been a day filled with immeasurable joy and happiness instead of a day full of sadness and tears.
I know I am pregnant with another baby, and please don’t misunderstand that I am very happy to bring Kaden into this world. Numerous people have said to me, “At least you have another baby on the way. Focus on that.” While that is true, and I’m sure they have good intentions… just because Kaden is with us now doesn’t mean we haven’t lost another baby. One life is not a replacement for another. I knew whether I was pregnant or not by the time Baby Taylor’s due date rolled around, it would be a hard day. It was a death in our family, one that I was not prepared to face when we did.
I know that God’s plans are better than my plans, and I may never understand why our sweet angel baby was taken from us before we got to meet him or her… but it is difficult. God has used our pain for good. He has used it to comfort others who have experienced the same type of loss and he has used this pain to bring us together and solidify our desire for a family. I am grateful for those things, but I can’t help but wonder what today would have been like. I know one day I will hold my sweet baby in heaven and I will get to tell him/her how loved they are. We only had Baby Taylor in our lives for 8 weeks, but we loved that sweet baby more than words can express.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with infant loss, miscarriage or infertility, please know that you are not alone. My friend Mackenzie and I have been working on gathering resources and stories of others and their struggles in the efforts to bring this community together. If you would like to be encouraged in your grief please follow us on instagram @thehopeco.op. And, if you have a story you would like to share, please email us at firstname.lastname@example.org.